Fav Famous Quotes

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my

fish-burger and I realize…Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner!

– Lynda Montgomery

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

– Emo Phillips

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can’t find you with a telescope.

– Anonymous

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

– Mark Twain

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

– Billy Sunday

Couch potatoes take heart: You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

–Anonymous

There is no distinctly American criminal class – except Congress.

– Mark Twain

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t seen the joke yet.

– Anonymous

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

– Robert Bloch

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

– Jack Nicholson

Italian Alzheimer’s: you forget everything except the vendettas.

– Anonymous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep–not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

– Bob Monkhouse

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

– Mark Russell

The age of a woman doesn’t mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

– Mae West

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

– Anonymous

The only mystery in life is why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

– Al McGuire

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

– Steven Wright

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

– Henny Youngman

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

– Flip Wilson

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

– Phyllis Diller 

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing everyday.

– A.A. Milne

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

-Kurt Vonnegut

A clear conscious is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-Steven Wright